Introduction

After a hiatus that felt like forever, along with resolving some website SSL certificate issues that took me forever to get around to fixing, I’m back on the blogosphere! 🎉 I initially stepped away from Facebook in February 2021, and although I returned several months ago (or maybe a year, thanks to some Long-Covid memory fog 🌫️), my sentiments about FB and its companion, Messenger, haven’t changed much.

Living with Autism Spectrum and Major Depressive Disorders has given me a unique perspective on social media and its societal norms. Despite my cryptic Facebook Bio—limited to 101 characters, which reads, “🌐barryknudsen.com for 🗝️posts. MDD, ASD warrior💪😊” is hardly enough to encapsulate me—I’ve found myself posting more significant content there than I initially intended (instead of here on my own personal space). 🤷‍♂️

Anyway,… Let’s dive into something a bit more personal, shall we? 🤗

My Mental Health Journey

During the COVID-19 lockdown in 2020, I had an eye-opening revelation. With ample time on my hands, I delved into self-education and discovered that I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Now, don’t get me wrong; my 45-year musical journey has forced me to adopt certain social skills, making me seem “normal” to the outside world. But the truth is, I’m not. This wasn’t my first dance with mental health diagnoses, either. I had been previously diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), and I’ve also been aware of a mild form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since my early adult years. 🤔

Ah, the pieces of my life’s puzzle finally clicked into place! All those years of what seemed like bizarre behavior—during my formative childhood, my awkward teen years, and even into adulthood—suddenly made perfect sense. It’s like I’ve been a rat in a maze, tirelessly navigating life’s complexities. Through a series of trials, some brutally harsh and others costly, I’ve managed to find my way in areas that many might take for granted. 🐭🧩

Why Share This?

Why share such information publicly?

Why not?

If it benefits just one person to read these words, creating such a blog post is very much worth it to me.

I have reached a point of progression in my life where the general public’s perceptions, past or present, of such things are unimportant to me because my value as a human being, especially to myself, does not hinge on my mental capabilities or other cognitive challenges. I suppose at my core—my deep-down being—my self-value has never really truly depended on such things; however, though as a teenager and much of my adult life, I never really recognized it until recently….🌟🌱

The Impact of Peer Pressure

Because I succumbed easily to peer pressure as a young boy, I believed many falsehoods. Among them, I came to believe that my cognitive abilities/disabilities reflected my worth as a human being.

Being on the autism spectrum, many things I said and did garnered the scrutiny, criticism and mockery of my peers and other authority figures, particularly from Kindergarten up to high school. It also frequently brought me onto the critically scrutinous ‘radar’ of my father, who had little patience for or understanding of my ASD-based behaviors and provided quite harsh consequences.

It’s important to note that during the 1960s and 1970s, understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorder was limited, often misunderstood as a form of rebellion or the result of ‘cold’ parenting rather than a neurological condition. Given the lack of awareness and resources at the time, my father’s approach, while deeply flawed, was shaped by his era’s societal norms and medical misconceptions.

Feelings About My Father

On a sidenote: because some of my brothers and I firmly believe our father was also on the autism spectrum, I hold no ill will towards him for the emotional and physical, sometimes brutal abuse I received at his hands, especially being the first child–and therefore experimental–born to my parents at the tender ages of 25 and 21 [which from my perspective now, is way too young for people to become parents. PERIOD.] I honestly believe he did the best he could with what he had, though and if I ever discovered anyone harbored ill will towards him because of his parenting, I’d have some stern words for that person, especially about taking the liberty of judging another human, without having been “in their shoes”.😊

The challenging nature of our father’s behavior actually had an unexpected silver lining for my brothers and me. It fostered a bond among the four eldest of us that went beyond typical sibling closeness. I see it as a coping mechanism that helped us navigate some tough years. This was particularly evident in the summer of 1975. I was the only teenager among us, and our father decided we wouldn’t have a typical summer break. Instead, he insisted we ‘learn to sing and make money like the Osmond Brothers and the Jackson 5.’ Given our family’s financial struggles at the time, living at the poverty level, this directive had a certain urgency to it.

The Importance of Sharing

The reason—or should I say reasons—for me spilling the proverbial beans about my own life’s intricacies, which some folks might hastily label as TMI or even ‘inappropriate oversharing,’ boils down to this: if my candid words nudge even a single soul a smidgen closer to grasping their own celestial awesomeness—despite whatever tags society might slap on them—then, my friends, every syllable I’ve shared becomes worth its weight in eternal gold. 😊

Continuing on this journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I’ve realized that the labels society places on us—ASD, MDD, OCD or any other acronym—do not define us. They are merely descriptors, a language for understanding different facets of the human experience. They are not the sum total of who we are, nor do they dictate our worth or potential.

Moreover, I’ve found that sharing my own experiences and challenges can be incredibly liberating, not just for me but for others who read my words and see a bit of themselves reflected back. It’s a way to say, ‘You’re not alone, and it’s okay to be who you are, just as you are.’

I’ve also come to appreciate the power of vulnerability. It’s a strength, not a weakness. By opening up about my own struggles, I hope to create a space where others feel safe to do the same. After all, it’s through sharing and connecting that we find our common humanity.

Lastly, I want to emphasize that our worth is intrinsic and eternal. It’s not something that can be measured by societal standards or diminished by life’s challenges. We are all on a unique journey, and each of us has something valuable to contribute to the world, even if it’s just by being ourselves and sharing our truth.

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt ‘less than’ because of a label or a challenge you’re facing, know this: You are more than the sum of your parts. You are a complex, beautiful individual with endless potential. And if my words can help you see that, even just a little, then sharing them will have been more than worth it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope they serve you well, as the act of writing them has served me.

And there it is—my heart, laid bare for all to see. Take from it what you will, but know that if it resonates with even one soul reading this, then my purpose in sharing has been fulfilled. Thank you for allowing me the space to be open, vulnerable, and most importantly, human.